I have a huge dilemma and just got into a huge argument with my fiance tonight. Basically he wants her to be one of my bridesmaids and I don't for many reasons. We aren't close, she lives too far, and she's married with kids. Mind you I have been completely stressed out like never before with this wedding planning. For the most part, I actually don't enjoy it! More so because I'm planning it by myself due to distance, and I'm paying for everything. No help whatsoever.

My fiance was EXTREMELY hurt because of my decision. I felt like shit so I told him if its important to him, he can ask her to be a part of it. I just feel if she is part of the bridal party, its one more thing to do on my list.. i.e call her, let her know what's going on etc..AND more importantly, I wouldn't enjoy the day because I honestly don't want her to be part of it.

Anyways, I'm feeling extremely guilty and I don't want to come across as a B****. Who's right?? and be as honest as possible. Thanks for listening.

I wanted to keep my bridal party as small as possible to maintain my own personal sanity. I wasn't planning on including my brother's fiance, although she asked me to be in her wedding when they got engaged months later. It's each person's personal preference.

And you may want to remind your fiance, being a bridesmaid isn't an easy job. It means a lot of time commitments, paying for a lot of stuff and a lot of stress. Could it be possible that she may not want to sign up for these duties?

And just because she's not a bridesmaid, doesn't mean she can't be involved in another way.

Sorry that you're feeling guilty and having to plan everything on your own. I hope you and FI don't argue too much about this. Don't get yourself too worked out over this. You should be honest with FI and let him know how you feel about and put himself in your position. maybe he'll get an idea of how you feel and what you are going through. in the end whatever you decide, as long as you are surrounded by people you love and care about, she'll be a memory only pictures bc you can totally ignore her on your day and enjoy yourself with the people who matter.

Like moemarsita said, being a BM comes with responsibilities and because she lives so far and has family obligations, it may difficult for to be an active member. If FI really wants her to be apart of your day, why don't you have her do a reading, then again it depends on what type of ceremony you are having.

Really, you do not have to make her a BM because FI only wants her to. Another thing FI can do, is make her stand with his GMs and make her a GroomsWoman. I've read an article about a male being a BridesMan. The entourage should be a decision both of you can agree on, but ultimately the decision is yours for your BMs and the same for FIs GMs.

One more thing, if having her in the entourage is important to him, put a male who is important in your life to be a GM. And although soon to be SIL is a BM, don't give her any responsibilities and just make sure FI does all the contacting with her to be sure she gets her dress, etc. I'm just suggesting here.


good luck!

Moogie~I don't think it is really a question of right or wrong. I think it comes down to respect and compromise. I completely understand you not wanting to have someone that you are not close to serve as a bridesmaid in your wedding; however, you DO need to consider your FI's feelings on this issue---not to mention that his family is part of who he is and once you are married, you have to fully embrace that.

I take it that you don't really have any "issues" with her (i.e. no fights/fallings out have taken place). So, you just don't want another person to deal with? well, that's what being a bride is about girl--you can delegate certain things to certain people. What about your MOH? I would let her take the reins with your bridesmaids (make the phone calls/send the emails, etc) to alleviate some of your stress.

With respect to the discussion about her living far away, having kids, and not being prepared to take on bridesmaid duties, I don't think that is necessarily accurate. Just because someone lives far away or has children does not mean that they will not be financially or emotionally responsible in serving as a bridesmaid. I have girls from across the country, several who have children, serving as my bridesmaids and they are all doing their respective parts.

It's my advice to you to be the better person and invite your future S-I-L to be a bridesmaid--you may be surprised--she may be elated to have been asked and her performance may very well surpass your expectations! not to mention how happy you will make your FI! good luck in whatever you choose to do!

Your bridesmaids are people you should want standing by your side on one of the most important days in your life. Not a role to be handed out just to make a compromise with your future in-laws.

the compromise to be made is NOT with your future-in-laws, but with your future husband, whom shares the day with you! that's something that is easy to lose sight of in this whole process!

I agree with fallbride...if being married with kids was a reason for someone to not be in your wedding party, over half of my party would not be involved in my wedding. All five girls are married and three of them have kids! Four out of the five guys in FI's party are married and one has kids. And if distance was an issue, then three of my girls, including one of my matrons of honor, wouldn't be included. I don't think either of those reasons is cause for someone to not be in your party. As for having your FI's sister in your party, if it's important to him for his sister to be involved in the wedding that is for the BOTH of you, then I would do it. My FI's sister is a bridesmaid in my wedding. We're not especially close (simply because we haven't spent much time together), she lives on the east coast, is married, AND has two kids. BUT...it's important to my FI that she be involved thus it's important to me. If you're already in contact with your other bridesmaids about what's going on with the wedding, what's one more person? Do mass emails to all of them at once rather than individual calls...that way it's taken care of. If she's willing to take part in the responsibilities that come along with being a bridesmaid, then what's the harm? She probably also wants to be involved with her brother's wedding, especially if they are close. With all due respect, I personally agree with your FI on this one.

I'm with fallbride and beatie.

I can relate to your concern with selecting bridesmaids. My fiance has three sisters, two of which are married w/children. It meant a great deal to my fiance that they were apart of it. If it means a lot to your fiance, I would have her in your bridal party. You don't want to start your marriage with hostility and have tension b/w you and your future sister-in-law. Life is to short to argue about petty things...pick and choose your battles. Planning your wedding should be memorable and enjoyable. Don't let anyone take that away from you!

I think it's Dr Phil who says ' do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?'
It's unfortunate that you disagree but is it worth fighting over? If it's not worth fighting over, accept it without bitterness.

With my wedding, I realize its all a process and compromise of what you want, what your family wants, what works in the budget, etc. -hth