Hello ladies!  I'm usually just a lurker but I have something on my mind that I can't quite figure out and wanted to see what you thought.

I got married on May 1 of this year.  Obviously, I've only been married a little over a month.  Problem is, I don't have that "YAY! I'm married" feeling that I see on this board and have heard my other married friends express.  In fact, it almost feels like the opposite.  I feel like marriage is such a permanent feeling and it has me feeling anxious and I have feelings of doubt. 

As a quick way of background, I am 28 years old.  DH and I started dating when we were 23.  We moved into together after a year and a half of dating and got engaged a year and a half after that.  So, we were together for 4 years before getting married.  There are no kids involved or anything like that.  It seems like a relatively "normal" path to take before getting married.

So...is this normal?  If not, what the heck should I do?  Thanks!

I am 31 and DH and I dated for about 7 years before getting married.  We lived together for about 18 months before the wedding.  We have been married about 10 months now, I love him and I'm glad I married him, but to be perfectly honest, I still have "what the heck did I get myself into" moments.  I was married once before and it was AWFUL, which I think has a lot to do with how I feel about things now.  Anytime we argue or if something happens that makes me feel some of those old feelings, I feel like I'm being suffocated.  Before we got married, I knew if I wanted to dump him, I could just kick him out (I know that sounds awful), but when we got married, I don't have that "luxury" anymore...we would have to get divorced if I wanted out.  That leaves me feeling anxious sometimes.  But for me, it all passes.  I mean, we have both wanted to work out our problems before, we were already committed to each other, you know?  And that didn't change because we got married.  Everyone deals with commitment differently, and for some people marriage is a much bigger adjustment than others.  I was very independent before we got married, and sometimes I have to remind myself that I'm not the only one I have to think about now.  And sometimes that is very hard.  I think you should quit worrying about what other people feel, and realize that what you are feeling is just what you are feelings.  If you stress out about it, it is only going to make the feelings worse.  I would just try to remind yourself that what you are feeling is perfectly normal, and will most likely pass with time...especially when you see that your relationship didn't take a nosedive when you walked down the aisle.

Thank you!  I think there are a lot of factors that are playing into this.  My parents went through a NASTY divorce and I never thought I would really get over it.  I did and I decided I wanted to get married.  I met DH and everything fit.  We had our moments of wanting to kill each other but in the end, it's like you said, we worked on our problems because we wanted to.  I think the emotions of my parents divorce just reared their ugly heads after the "I dos."  (It doesn't help my best friend is about to go through a divorce either.  She's actually DH's cousin and we're close to her and her husband.  It's very hard to watch.  They've been married 10 years, together for 16 and we never thought it would happen.)

And, like you, I was very independent before getting married.  Now, a part of that is gone and it's a little hard to let go of.  Thanks for the reassurance.  I will calm down now!!

I am 28 and DH is 31. We were together 8yrs before tying the knot. And it was a tough 8 yrs. Marriage isn't easy. And I understand the feelings of anxiety and doubt.We hadn't "officially" lived together just the 2 of us before the wedding. So after the wedding it was really hard for me to adjust. I never had that "yay" I'm married feeling. But it will be a year in August and I have a more secure and warm feeling, that we can conquer the world together. I think its normal and I think it will pass and evolve into a wonderful feeling. Do you have married friends that you can confide in? I also think there is an initial feeling of whats next? now what? That will pass also.

I guess I'm a little nervous to talk to other married friends about it because I don't want them to have a look of horror on their faces and think we're headed for divorce.  I did talk to my boss, whom I consider a very good friend, and he actually made me feel better about the situation.  You ladies are helping too!  I guess I just didn't get the "YIPPY" feeling.  It was almost the complete opposite and that sucks.  It can definitely make one think something is wrong.

I've been with my now husband exactly 10 years, and as soon we got married everyone asked me if I feel different or if there any difference....maybe I am dumb or still don't understand the question...because I say NO, there is not difference....been together for so long....should I feel and act as a married woman (of course)....but not thre is no difference the only big word is when he call me at work I say...this is Mrs. B.... how can I help you, and he loves that.

I was actually married a week ago today, and we sort of feel this way...happy to be married, but not full of butterflies and passionately all over each other. We're more contented knowing the importance of what we did, and not having to share it with the world, I guess.

Greetings,

I think it is normal to feel uneasy about being married sometimes. I am 50, my husband is 54, this is my first and his third. With all of the stresses of life that  we now have as a people, a County, an extended family, with jobs, and social responsibilities....there is just a lot going on these days. But we are built with coping mechanisms, and we will make it do what is do baby (from Ray Charles ;o) I was so elated to find someone that made me feel like I wanted to feel after all those disappointments that everyday when he pisses me off, I look at the other side and let it go.  I remember my lil Charlotte from SATC, I am happy every day..not all day, but every day!

My Sweetie and I are a good team and we work well together. I appreciate all that he is and isn't, cause I was out there long enough to know the difference ;o) 

Vanessa 

AKuhn: I understand what you're saying and you're definitely NOT alone!  Weddings, marriages, etc. bring up tons of old family drama.  The truth is that we're never really done dealing with those dramas, we get them worked out for a period of time and then occasionally they rear their ugly heads again. 

If this is something that's regularly stressing you out, I'd really recommend you consider seeking some counseling.  It doesn't mean there's something wrong with you or with the relationship; it's more about working through those old injuries so they don't impact your marriage. 

Also, I agree with Boricua, everyone's been asking if it feels different to me to be married and I say, "nope."  I don't have the giddy happy whatever feelings that some people expect me to have or that other ladies have.  He's my best friend and we've been together for 6.5 years (and were friends before that).  In our hearts, we've been married a lot longer than the month we've been actually married.  I simply can't imagine my life without him, even though he annoys the heck out of me sometimes ;).  I'd bet that if you think about how you feel in your heart about your DH, you probably feel the same and that's what you need to remember when you have moments of doubt :). 

its normal dear since both of you been together for a long time.