NWR- really upset!

LONG! Sorry!  I really needed to let it out- thanks girls...

My father is 60 and has lived in the Bronx his entire life.. He has reached the point in his life that we need to sell the house we grew up in and get him out of the city.  He has a lot of health problems and I want this to be as easy for him (emotionally and financially) as possible.  Hes worked for the city for 30 years and they're screwing him over for his pension etc so were contacting lawyers.  Aside from other health problems his body just doesn't work anymore (cant walk, stubborn and wont get a cane).  This is such a hard thing for him to deal with as his baby (me) is getting married, his eldest just announced shes having her first baby this July and hes leaving the house we always lived in.. also hes doing this without my mother who died 13 years ago.  I know its just emotionally too much for him and I want this to be as easy as possible.

Thank god for my FI because he has really helped in terms of contacting realtors, helping clean out the house (and my fathers a hoarder so its just overwhelming) and talking to lawyers to help my father.  Im blessed.  BUT MY SISTER IS BEING COMPLETELY USELESS!  Its like the only thing that matters is her husband and the impending baby- which i know is a HUGE deal and im really psyched but we need to focus on my dad now!  She's not involving herself in contacting anyone, she's not asking for information as things happen and she almost seems bothered that dad needs help at all.

Granted, its never been easy as my father has as many emotional probs as physical but he has always loved us and been there when he could and deserves help.  Instead she is not calling me to get updates and even complaining about decisions that FI and I have to make without her. 

Now the biggest problem is that Im trying to find a place that he can be happy and safe- no house because then he would have to shovel and mow, no townhouse because it cant have stairs etc.  My sister lives in Rockland county (Im in NYC) and wants him out there but there are NO places that are one floor (even condo's have stairs).  She's killing me here because all she's doing is complaining and presenting more hurdles without offering solutions.  I just don't know how to deal with her when theres so much on my plate too..

*HUGS* I'm sorry to hear about these difficult situations in your family right now. I think it's best to sit down with your sister and your dad to discuss these things together so that there's no miscommunication and so that everyone can have their say and get their opinions out there.

The reason why I suggest this is because I've seen situations like yours tear families apart (my family regarding my grandmother and my FI's family regarding his great aunt). Honestly - it's things like this that rip and tear families apart.

So as much as you're frustrated now - try your best to get together and discuss these things. If your sister makes it difficult to get together than tell her that if she doesn't make it a point to come to these discussions that it's no one's fault but her own.

*HUGS* again.

*vent JUSTIFIED*

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this :(  

I think what I've always heard about these situations is that at a certain point it's easier to go forward without the sisters involvement at all. . .having her being a construction worker (putting up roadblocks, as it were) in all this is going to be infinitely more stressful than just doing it yourself.

That said. . .is there an organization around your area that works with situations like this - like a housing place or seniors group that can provide you with some resources to help you find a new house for him?

Best wishes!

sorryto hear about your dad =( its awesome that you and your FI are doing as muh as you are to make sure he's taken care of. maybe its not a reality for your sister. maybe she doesnt really get the severity of it all yet? have you looked into retirement homes? or better yet assisted living? i use to work at one yearrrrs ago, that was pretty much 1 level cottages. the people who lived in them had the main building that they went to for activities. breakfast, lunch and dinner was served waitress style (3 meal options, they place an order as if at any restaurant and its brought out on a tray to the tables) so they were never made to feel like they were anywhere else but home. old age can take an emotional toll on an individual. especially when they're use to being independent. my thoughts and prayers go out to your dad. and i hope your sister gets a reality check really soon. she only gets one dad, and she needs to make the most of it before its toolate. ((hugs))

Sorry to hear about your dad.  I grew up in the BX and my FI just moved from the BX to FL to be with me.  I think there are still a few places in the BX that are semi-affordable that he may be able to rent??? Throggs Neck area?  Yonkers?? Westchester?? Not sure how far you are from those but just options...

Mountainbride had a good suggestion about contacting an organization...

I hope it all works out for you, I know you don't need the added stress!

Good luck!

awwww i'm sorry. i know it's hard i went through this with some family members and we are from the bronx as well. there are some senior assistant living places that you can look into. I know of two in the bronx, they are apartments but they have elevators and "concierge", more like a guard, at the front. let me know if you are interested, i can look for the names.

{{{BIG HUGS}}} to you and FI!! Your father is very lucky to have the both of you! And I am sure is more then grateful for you both too!

I agree w/ Kaytana to try and get together with your sister and try and make these important decisions and if she is reluctant then you just let her know that because she is not helping out that you and FI are going to be making the decisions for your father! And that if she disagrees with any of them that she needs to understand that she was asked and she refused to help!

Now there is a flip side to this to; your sister maybe having a difficult time with all of this and may not be able emotionally right now to handle this being pregnant and all!

You stay strong for your Dad and you do the best you can to do right by him! I know it's tuff to have this huge issue on your shoulders but in the end the one person that you need to make sure is safe is your Dad!

{{HUGS}}

Thanks so so much guys..The thing is that he's mentally 95% there (not as sharp as he once was) and he'll move but no where near an assisted living facility or home... My fathers biggest concern is that he doesn't want to feel like his independence is being taken away and hes really macho.  So Im trying to find a ranch style condo or a nice co-op building with good amenities.  He definitely wants to be out of the city which is totally fair, after all these years he's earned some country life but that could be rockland or putnam or anyplace between 30-60 minutes north.  The two main criteria is that He's happy (and safe) and we can access him easy in case of an emergency.

To be honest, if we could get him into an assisted living place my prayers would be answered but hes just not in that "situation" yet.  And he's so terrified of the stigma of a "home" that he would rather just not move at all than that. 

I really appreciate your support and while its weighing me down you guys made me feel so much better.  thanks <3

Awe I am sorry... I wished we had planned living areas for seniors... my Great Grandmother lives in one in the UK. She lives in a quad, but its all one floor. The community plows snow and takes care of the grass. There is a little community hall where they can play bingo. But she has her own space, and it looks and feels like a house. She can come and goes as she pleases, and every now and then a community representative comes over and checks on her. Now that she is 95, she has hired a nurse to come in three days a week to help her with chores.

Maybe there is a "del-webb" in your area... they cater to active senior living areas. Stand alone homes, your neighbour is often as old as you, no medical supervision, and sometimes a free golf cart with purchase.

Other than that I would google "active senior living communities" because it will be a planned community that is similar to the del-webb.  I know some land developers specialize in them.

What part of the Bronx? I am from there, and my grandfather just moved in with us because he is 90 and we did not want him living alone anymore.  My grandmother died a few years ago, and there is a few places that I can reccomend NOT sending him to!