PW Guide Article: Etiquette Guide: Addressing Envelopes

I'm making this simpler - everyone has their own name on the envelope.  "Mr. John Doe and Mrs. Jane Doe" if they are married with the same last name ("Mr./Mr." or "Mrs./Mrs." for same-sex couples), "Mr. John Doe and Mrs. Jane Smith" if they are married with different last names (as I will be!) ("Mr./Mr." or "Mrs./Mrs." for same-sex couples), "Mr. John Doe and Ms. Jane Smith" if they are living together/dating but not living together ("Mr./Mr." or "Ms./Ms." for same-sex couples), the only widows are my grandmother and FH's grandmother, who are both over 80 and go by "Mrs. Jane Doe", "Billy, Annie, and Sam Doe" for kids (on a second line under their parents' names), "Mr. John Doe"/"Ms. Jane Smith" for singles, with "and guest" in the few cases where they are invited to bring a guest who doesn't have a name - the goal is for the majority of the names of significant others to be on the envelope.

I refuse to put anyone as "Mrs. John Doe".  Ugh!  I don't know anyone in either of our families that would choose to be referred to that way and I definitely don't want to be called that when I'm married.  I can tolerate being called "Mrs. Jane Doe" even though I'll be "Mrs. Jane Smith" - no name change - but I refuse to lose my entire identity and just get referred to as "Mrs." and I won't do that to other women either.  Etiquette shmetiquette - maybe it's about time that antiquated etiquette changed.

I don't do the etiquette thing - so I would send the envelope with her name, and have both their names on the invitation, otherwise you'd send one to her and one to him

Totally agree with the ladies, will never address a woman as Mrs. John Doe.... every card is going to be John and Jane Doe if they are married, if not, both of their last names. 

And I was always told that unless you are addressing the couple as unit (such as Mr. & Mrs. John Doe), otherwise the woman's name should always come first on an invitation, such as: Mrs. Jane Doe & Mr. John Smith. This site supports my understanding: http://www.somewhereintimecalligraphy.com/envelope-addressing-etiquette.html as does this one: http://www.paperaffair.com/etiquette/addressing_envelopes.html.

Just one thing... where I'm from, then widows are never Ms. They are ALWAYS Mrs. If I was a widow, I would be pretty unimpressed to receive an invitation to a Ms.... I'm widowed, not divorced!