I just had to share with everyone my love for the book "Toxic In-Laws" by Susan Forward. If any of you are feeling the strain of truly damaging in-laws in your life, please read this book. I'm not talking about basically good in-laws who annoy you from time to time, but the truly poisonous type of people who are seriously harming you, your spouse, and your marriage. The best thing about this book is that it doesn't focus as much on THEM, it's about finding the healthiest way to deal with the problem between the husband and wife to keep the marriage strong and that's the most important thing. My MIL is the #1 biggest problem in my marriage and always has been. I'm very proud of the progress we've made as a couple but lately I've been running out of steam and feeling like I'm out of options. This book has given me all new perspectives and refreshed HOPE! I recommend it to anyone else in this messy type of situation.

Thanks for the recommendation!  I think my MIL has good intentions for us and wants us to have a happy marriage, but I've had my fair share of issues with her in the past.  :(  So far since getting married, things have been much much better and I'm starting to see things more from her perspective--but who knows--I might need this book in the future at some point.  :)

my husband had gotten her book "Toxic Parents" to learn how to deal with his mother. When we saw how insanely accurate the book described every aspect of his mother and had GREAT advice for how he can deal with it better, I looked into her other books. This one has been my new bible! LOL Like I said, it's not meant as an attack on in-laws. Some in-laws are great and even the annoying ones often really do act out of love and are well-meaning. But then there are the "toxic" ones, like mine, who are a destructive force in your lives and marriage. My husband and are are often like war buddies, trying to get each other through the worst of it and deal with the post traumatic stress together! Susan Forward's books have been wonderfully helpful and accurate. I hope they can help others.

:(  I'm sorry--that CAN'T be fun.  What kind of things does your MIL try to do?

thanks.....oh boy....the list is WAY too long to fit on here! But basically she's the type to manipulate with guilt, to demand and control, etc. Ya know like if he says he has plans for his birthday that don't include driving 5 hours to have dinner with her then he is "giving her a heart attack" and "abandoning her cruelly when he knows she has no one else" (all totally untrue by the way) He is a "horrible son who is ungrateful for all that she sacrficed for him" if he forgets to call her one Sunday. Oh the hell she put us through leading up to the wedding!! Trying to convince his uncle not to marry us (he is a judge who was performing our ceremony) because she didn't feel we were giving her enough of a spotlight at the wedding, calling us everyday to tell us she isn't coming and his family doesn't want to be there either and things like that, all were lies just to hurt us days before our wedding. Why would a mother do that to their son?

The hard part is the affect it has on him. He literally breaks out in hives sometimes when he has to talk to her on the phone!!! It causes problems between us because I can't always understand why he subjects himself to her nastiness and why such a strong, intelligent man crumbles against some crazy old lady! Of course I've learned about the years of emotional abuse that started since he was a baby, that sticks with you even into adulthoodand isn't so easy to break away from

But like I said, over the years we have (and especially HE has) made incredible progress in breaking the cycle of abuse and in being united together. I can't remember the last time it caused an actual fight between us. But it's getting to a point where I don't know where to go from here. I see no real solutions anymore other than having nothing to do with her, and it's his MOM so that's not really an option. For the first couple years I did everything a person could possibly do to become friends with her and invite her into our life. That just blew up in my face because everything was just ammunition for her to use against us. I really have been getting desperate for a new way to handle this. this book really made me feel better!

I'm so happy for everyone who has the wonderful, caring parents and in-laws that they deserve to have! For the rest, give this book a shot...it sure can't hurt.

Oh.  Wow.  I am REALLY sorry.  You should not have to deal with that--neither should he.  One thing I always tell myself when I get frustrated with my MIL is that no matter what she does, she's my husband's mother.  No matter how frustrated they get with their mom, there's just something about that mother/son bond.  My dad's mother was horrible to her husband and her kids.  She was manipulative and sometimes downright evil.  (As a granddaughter I never really saw any of this until I got older--I totally loved my grandma)  My dad had SO many fights with her, stormed out countless times, got so fed up with her.  But no matter what she did, he loved her so much.  Since she passed away he just hasn't been the same.  He gets so depressed on Mother's Day and gets really sad when something great happens bc his first impulse is to call his mom and then he realizes he can't.  In the end, it didn't matter at all that she was kinda crazy and mean...her death left a void that he'll never get over.  I know the same would/will be true for my husband and his mother...so I TRY to keep it in mind, as hard as it can sometimes be....but again...my situation isn't NEARLY as bad as yours.  I wish you the best, and that you will somehow be able to find a peace about the situation and find some sort of balance.  Hugs!!!

aw thanks! Youre totally right. That's why I've never suggested that he have nothing more to do with her, even though that's secrectly what I want. It's his mom, it's different. I really needed to find ways to stay out of it and support him but not be a doormat or leave him unprotected to her attacks either. It's a hard balance. When your husband is being hurt so badly by someone you want to protect him from that. But when it's his own mother what can you do?

This woman is a truly horrible person. She does evil things throughout her life (like rip off the old ladies at the nursing home she works at so she can buy a new car) oh yeah, THAT evil! In my life if I find a person is negative, damaging to me, mean spirited, not interested in resolving conflict, etc....I choose not to have anything more to do with that person, SIMPLE! But that's not an option here because I am married to her son. I can't even begin to imagine how I could behave in a loving, family type manor around her when I feel she is an evil person. I dont know how to do it, I don't lie or pretend in my life, the thought makes me sick. So right now I don't know how to be around her, that's the struggle.

She doesnt even know this but we are TTC....we need to get this under control before I'm pregnant because I know that's when the mess is really going to hit the fan! we are the most blissfully married couple I know and have so many blessings, with this one black spot in our lives....the MIL

I'm sure I'll be venting on here again! LOL

haha aw!  I can't say I'm sorry enough!  I'm curious to see what it will be like with kids in the picture.  Maybe it might make things better?  Although it sucks that your kids will have to be subjected to that!

yeah my biggest fear is with kids involved I won't be able to so casually turn the other cheek and walk away. Right now I brush off her crap and don't take it personally because I know she is nuts. But if it involved my kids in any way....wooo!!! lookout for the mama bear!

My husband's ex-wife actually tried to physically attack this woman and had to be dragged out of the house punching and kicking trying to get to her.....that's how crazy she makes people! I'd never actually do that, but I sure as hell understand the urge! LOL

So sad...

Thanks for listening to me vent

Hahaha anytime!!!